Wit & Humor

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Mark Twain

If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber. (Albert Einstein)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

Why Ask Why?

* Why is it when you sit around the house you don't actually sit around the house?
* Why do 10 pounds of groceries generate 50 pounds of garbage?
* Why is abbreviate such a long word?
* Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
* What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
* Why are they called apartments when they are so close together?
* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
* If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
* If your vehicle is going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio volume?

Physical properties:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

Chemical properties:

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneiously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other

WARNING:
PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE